When your life becomes consumed with an invisible illness it takes space in all areas of your life. My time was spent primarily in bed and Google working overtime. I became desperate for answers! Sometimes waiting 6 to 8 weeks in between doctor's appointments that weren't bringing any relief. Desperate may not even be an accurate description. I was watching every day of my not even one year old marriage go by without being able to participate or worse, explain why I can't.
Everything seemed to be in a tailspin a few months ago; ER visits became more frequent, pleading voice mails to doctor's offices were no longer above me, and my poor husband has seen me more at my absolute worse than as his new bride. What I'm going to say next might sound a little strange, bare with me, I hope that my rambling words eventually work themselves out. I truly feel like God led me to a breaking point.
Day after day I was getting worse and day after day I was connecting with others walking similar journeys. Now looking back I can see God's Angels doing His work and dropping hints in ways that spoke to my spirit. At first it was little things, being added to a natural living group on Facebook, Instagramers appearing in my timeline talking about healing from autoimmune disorders, even regulars at my husband's job suggesting juicing and probiotics. In the midst of the storm I couldn't see these were hands reaching out. Until I broke...
One day I woke up determined to get help from the 3 different doctor's I was seeing. I just want to add that I'm sharing my story because I k n o w that I am not the only one with the same burdens. Starting with an appointment to the lovely lady doctor as pelvic pain and bladder issues were new symptoms. That's when I shocked the first doctor of the day by denying antibiotics and birth control. First of all I'm a married woman, need I say more. Second I battled a horrific month of CDiff caused by the overuse of antibiotics, never touching those again! $500 later and a pissed off doctor, I was myself was heated and headed to my primary care doctor. By the time we got to the next office I was feeling so defeated. I just couldn't shake this gut feeling that I wasn't going to get answers this way.
Arriving in tears, literally begging for help, at this point weighing barely 100 pounds, I was met with the very harsh reality of living in America without health insurance. Mind you my husband and I both jumped through every hoop thrown at us by our county to prove that we simply could not afford health insurance but qualify for what they call volunteer clinics. The case manger who normally treated me with kindness suddenly had no patience for me after telling me there was nothing more that she could do other than give me an office visit 4 weeks away.
Broken, lost, desperate. My husband, sweet momma, and mother in law drove me straight to the ER as they had had enough. It just couldn't keep on like this! I was wrecked with fear that I would once again I would be met with insensitivity and little to no explanations. The disrespect that my family and myself endure while coping with yet another hospital stay deserves a post all of it's own. So for now just trust me when I say this was it, this was rock bottom.
My husband and I were disgusted with the doctors and suddenly we knew God was telling us this wasn't His plan. God gives us the power inside ourselves and of His nature to heal! He promises healing over and over again throughout the Bible. Realizing that every prayer I was praying was specifically for answers to come through doctors but the clearly wasn't His plan. Learning to turn it all over Him always means being open to seeing the solutions He presents. We can have such tunnel vision that until you are ready to see, you'll miss every sign.
There's a reason certain souls have walked into my life recently and why my heart feels so pulled to the natural world. I believe with every ounce of my being those gut feelings, those heart pulls, are my angels leading me back to God's will. So much is changing and I'm overjoyed with this new beginning. It has put a new passion inside of me to share what I'm learning, what God is doing through this storm, and most importantly finding the beauty in all with my husband my side!
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